The Borowitz Report

Still trying to figure out what Biden’s cancer diagnosis has to do with anything.

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a bombshell report that stirred controversy on Tuesday, a prominent conspiracy theorist claimed that Joe Biden concealed his health problems by making the American economy boom for four straight years.

“Biden thought he could hide his health issues by making the U.S. economy the envy of the world,” the conspiracist, Harland Dorrinson, said. “Low unemployment, a surging stock market, and a stable dollar all played their parts in the cover-up.”

Strengthening NATO and bolstering relationships with allies were also key components of Biden’s elaborate scheme to hide his health woes, Dorrinson said.

“Biden kept the media distracted by making the US trusted and respected around the world,” he said. “Trump would never do that.”

The Apology to MAGA Tour kicked off with Lara Trump then Megyn Kelly. pic.twitter.com/yXAnJswOoP

— Ron Filipkowski (@RonFilipkowski) May 20, 2025

Who is he going to chastise for pointing out the Emperor has no clothes?

Now…

"No, and I understand your point there for certain," said Brown. "But now this information is coming out and there's a big question of when this started, right? We know it's an aggressive form that it spread to his bone. And so you just wait until someone who's like the president of the United States shows symptoms until you test them in a situation like this?"

"In older men, yeah ... this is the specific recommendation for this particular disease," said Reiner. "But one other point I do want to make ... I think this is really illustrative of what can happen when we elect very old people to office. When you're 80 years old, stuff happens. And it doesn't matter how you look one day, but 80-year-olds get heart attacks, and they get strokes, and they get prostate cancer. And it happens more frequently the older we get."

This, he added, is the reason "I've always felt super strongly about, when we're vetting candidates running for office, we should expect, as the voting public, the people who are putting these people in office, we should expect complete transparency. We should expect that the medications listed on these disclosures are the complete list, right? Not the partial list."

...do Trump. While it matters.*

*Although I think the election if Trump, again, proves nobody really cares. Campaigns don’t really matter. Most voters don’t pay attention, and vote for who they think they’re voting for. Medical reports won’t really change minds, unless the press decides there’s a book promotion in it. Otherwise it’s soon gone; and who’s going to release a book on the scandal in the middle of the scandal? What Tapper is doing now is creating that scandal in order to sell his book. He can control the narrative now, because he has an excuse to: he’s not making news, he’s peddling product.

See how easy it is? The market makes it alright. Even as it undoes our electoral process. The only time to talk about a President’s condition is when he’s safely out of office; and there’s a book in it. A “free press” doesn’t pay, after all. Writing a book is a meal ticket; and the only way to ride herd on the narrative.

I mean, honestly, who are these people talking to? Each other? At best it demands we recognize that old people are subject to rapid decline; and we need to recognize that Trump is old

If that’s what you call “soul-searching,” then we are speaking different languages.