"Am I My Brother's Keeper?"

rustypickup:

I started this for a comment on one of the All Saint’s posts around Halloween, but with this post I can finish it since the circumstances haven’t changed.

“"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” 

“The saints know that God is the God of the living, not the dead; and that in God’s sight, all are alive.”

I needed the reminder that God is the God of the living, not the dead. My lovely spouse was with her mom the much of November, is home for Thanksgiving will be back with her mom for some indefinite time to come. My mother-in-law is in hospice, is nearing the end of her life, and it’s important to my wife to see her through. My mother-in-law has been suffering from advanced dementia for some time, and it has caused her physical condition to deteri0rate to where she is now dying. The hospice nurse (we may all be saints, but hospice nurses are saints twice over) warned my wife that as people transition to active dying, they often undergo personality changes. The sweet aunt may start swearing like a sailor, the patient can become angry or worse. An aid was helping my mother-in-law, and after having been typical very difficult self, my mother-law apologized. The aide who was worked with her for years was stunned and told the rest of the staff and my wife. The hospice nurse’s comment was ‘well, her personality is changing’. As my wife said, can you ever remember my mother apologizing for anything? I couldn’t and neither could she. It’s good to find even a little humor at dark moments. 

A few weeks ago our children are all travelled to the nursing home to say their final good-byes. Speaking with my father at the time, he commented that he didn’t understand why since with my mother-in-law’s dementia how would she know who they were or even if they were there. In the moment I remembered a saying from our former pastor, “Funerals are for the living”. I suspect it was a line he used with families when they were conflicted about having (or even not having) a funeral and what it would entail. I told my father about the pastor’s comment, and said I think the current circumstances are the same. It’s not so much about my mother-in-law but about her daughters and grandchildren. Thankfully she had a few better days and the grandchildren were left with some good last memories. Two of our daughters are very musical, they sang and played for her and even got my mother-in-law to sing along with some simple nursery rhymes. She had also been a dancer in New York City, at one point even working with Martha Graham the modern dance icon. Our daughter who trained in ballet for years did arm movements with her grandmother, mirroring each other’s elegant positions. The video clips my wife captured will be precious later. 

Even though she is still here on earth, the family is mourning her passing. For my wife and her sister it is particularly fraught. My mother-in-law suffered from mental health and addiction issues, severe enough that she eventually ended up not raising her own children. My wife is mourning her passing, but also grieving the relationship she never had with her mother. With the dementia, the desire for a better relationship or at least an acknowledgement of past harms faded away, but death will extinguish any last hope. Old hurts are stirred up and old wounds reopened. For our children it’s a different kind of loss. Mother-in-law somehow rose to the occasion with them. Behaviors that could be maddening with adults could be delightful and charming with children. We had moved her to live near us so as to help with her health issues, and the result was our children saw her on a regular basis. She attended their games and performances, Saturday afternoons could be at grandma’s apartment working on craft projects and baking. We attended the same church and had Sunday dinners a few times a month. While I could find her difficult and frustrating, I was grateful for the relationship she had with our kids, it was much closer than any I had with my grandparents. 

So as the family mourns and grieves, it’s good to be reminded that God is for the living. We mourn those we have lost, the broken relationships that can never be repaired with another’s passing. We are reminded also of our own failings. Those who have passed were complicated, often loving, difficult, unkind and more in turn, and to lesser and greater amounts so are we who remain. The blessed are not those who have died but those that mourn. 

This year the UCC church I have been attending did all souls service to remember those of the congregation that passed in the last year. Our previous Lutheran (ELCA) church did something close to the Totenfest service (the church services were originally in German, until WWI when they switched to English). A family that had lost a father in his 40’s to cancer donated a beautiful handmade large bowl. It was partially filled with sand and a candle was lit, and a bell rung for each person that died in the last year. It was a quiet, meaningful and reverential ceremony. So if I may be allowed to ask of you, prayers for our family as the next few weeks will bring my mother-in-laws passing. A blessing as we mourn and grieve what we have lost, and what never was we wanted.

Again, because I can't post comments, I comment in posts.  And the answer to the title question (it took me decades to figure out) is:  "Yes."  When people wonder why we are here, I now think the answer is simple:  to look out for everyone else, and help them as much as we can, when we can.

What more could it be?

Congratulations, you poor!

God's domain belongs to you!

Congratulations, you hungry!

You will have a feast.

Congratulations, you who weep now!

You will laugh.

 Amen.